Brísingamen

Before Odin hung on the tree
Before any of it
There was us

They speak of Asgard like it is the world
Like the world began with them
There was a green place and a gold place
Long before the Aesir came

We did not go to war for glory
We did not go to war for land
We knew the sea and we knew the seed
And we knew what nobody else knew

They wanted it
They did not want to be taught it
So they took a woman of ours
And they put spears in her

Vanir! - older than the hall
Vanir! - older than the spear
Three times you burned her in the fire
Three times she stood back up
You cannot kill what grows
You can only make it angry
We are the first thing
And you have never understood us

Gullveig went into the flame
And came out with her hair unburnt
And they called it witchcraft, called it wrong
And they burned her twice again

So the first war in the world began
Not over gold, not over ground
Over a thing they wanted badly
And could not bear to ask for

Nobody won
Let that be written properly
Nobody won

So they traded us like cattle
To make the killing stop
Njörd for Hœnir. Freyr for Mímir
And me - thrown in
Not named in the terms
Thrown in

I walked into Asgard
As a condition of a treaty
And they have never once
Let me forget which side I came from

So I live among the Aesir
And I sit at Odin's table
And I teach him what he cannot learn
And he takes it and says nothing

Vanir! - older than the hall
Vanir! - older than the throne
Three times you burned her in the fire
And she is sitting in your house
You cannot kill what grows
You can only bring it inside
I am the first thing
And I am not your guest

They call this peace
I call it a border
That runs through the middle of me

Nobody asked me
That is not a complaint. It is just true
Nobody asked me

They gave me a hall and a field of my own
And a name that sounds like honour
And the right to walk in first at the feast
And no way home at all

I choose half the dead. Did you know that?
Half of them come to me
Odin takes the other half
And everyone remembers his

That is how it works here
You are given a thing
And then you are told
Who it really belongs to

I am the hostage in the golden hall
I am the term of somebody's peace
They put me at the high table
And they watch me while I eat
Everything I own here
Was given, and can be taken
Ask me how it feels
To be the price of something

The giants come and ask for me
Every time they build a wall
And the Aesir sit and think about it
Every single time

Not one of them says: she is not ours to give
Not one. Not once. Not ever
They say: let us hear the offer first
And then they look at me

Loki stood up in Ægir's hall
With every god inside the room
And said I had lain with all of them
Every one. Including my brother

And I waited
I waited for a single one of them
To stand up on the boards and say
That is enough. That is too far

Njörd said a woman may take a lover
That was the defence
That was the whole of the defence
And then the talking moved along

I have never once forgotten who spoke
And I have never once forgotten
Who did not

And Odin came to me at night
And asked me how it's done
And I taught him every part of it
And he called it women's work

I am the hostage in the golden hall
And I have learned exactly what that means
They will take the thing you know
And they will keep despising you
Everything I own here
Was given, and can be taken
So I have started keeping
Things they do not know I have

They think I am here because of a treaty
I am here because I decided to stay
After the treaty stopped mattering
Those are not the same

Four of them
Four nights
That was the price they named

There was a light under the rock
Where a light has no business being
And I went down because I always go down
When there is something I have not seen

And they had it on the anvil there
Half-finished and already wrong -
Wrong the way a beautiful thing is wrong
When it should not exist yet

I offered gold. They have gold
I offered silver. They laughed
And then they said what they wanted
And then they waited

Four nights under the mountain
Four nights and it was mine
I do not tell you this to shock you
I tell you because it is true
They named a price. I paid it
Nobody was deceived
The only ones who call it shameful
Are the ones who did not pay

I came up on the fifth morning
With the sun on the wet grass
And a weight of gold across my throat
That has never once come off

And Loki was already at the door
Because Loki is always at the door
And he had counted every night
And he ran to tell the rest

They talk about it still
Not the making of it, not the craft
Not that there is nothing else like it
In any of the nine worlds

They talk about four nights

And Odin, who has done far worse
In stranger shapes for smaller reasons
Sent a fly into my room
To take it off my neck

And when I asked to have it back
He made me start a war to get it
That is the difference between us
And it is the whole difference

I paid for mine with what was mine
He paid for his with other people

So look at it. Go on. Look
It is the finest thing there is
And every time you look at it
You are looking at what it cost

Four nights under the mountain
Four nights and it is mine
It will be mine when you are dust
And it will still be the finest thing
They named a price. I paid it
Nobody was deceived
And I would go back down tomorrow
And you know that I would

It is called Brísingamen
Say it properly
It is the only thing here that I did not receive as a gift

They ask me why I never take it off
Wrong question
Ask them why they cannot stop looking at it

It is not a chain and not a crown
It is not a wedding band
It sits along the collarbone
Exactly where the throat is

Four smiths worked it under stone
And no one has matched it since
Not the Aesir, not the elves
Not anyone who has tried

And when I walk into the hall
They stop what they are saying
Every single time
Every single time

Brísingamen!
Say it like it weighs something
Gold that came up out of the dark
And put itself on me
Not a gift, not a favour
Not a thing that I was given
This is what I look like
When I have decided

Heimdall fought the trickster for it
Out on the wet black rock
Two of them as seals in the surf
Over something neither owns

That is what it does to them
That is what it always does
They cannot leave it where it is
They cannot leave me where I am

Thor lost his hammer to a giant
The giant wanted me for it
And they came to my hall -
All of them, together -
And asked me to put on a bridal veil

Asked
As though it were a favour
As though it were reasonable

And I said no

And the halls of Asgard shook on their foundations
Every roof beam. Every door

And the gold broke
The clasp gave out and Brísingamen came off my throat
And hit the floor in front of all of them

And nobody picked it up
Nobody dared

Louder
Louder
The roof beams start to move
Louder
It is coming down
It is coming down on all of them

So Thor went in the veil himself
And got his hammer back
And nobody has asked me since
To put on anything

Brísingamen!
Say it like it weighs something
Gold that came up out of the dark
And chose to stay with me
Not a gift, not a bargaining chip
Not a thing that you can move
This is what I look like
And this is what it cost you

It broke once
I had it mended
That is the only time it has ever left my neck
And it was not because anyone took it

He said he would be back before the winter
That was a while ago now

He is not written down anywhere
Not really, not properly
No battle and no father's name
Just: he was married to me

We had two daughters. Hnoss and Gersemi
Both their names mean treasure
He chose them. That was his idea
I have not changed them

And then one morning he went out
The way he had gone out before
And I did not stand at the door
Because why would I

Óðr is gone
That is the whole sentence
There is no reason after it
There is no because
I can choose the fallen
I can break a hall with a word
And I cannot make one man
Come back up the road

So I went out looking for him
Through the worlds and through the years
And I did not go as myself
Because myself is too well known

Mardöll on the water
Hörn among the trees
Gefn where they do not know me
Sýr where they would not care

And then I came back to the water
And I have not gone out since

They ask me if he died
I do not know
They ask me if he left
I do not know that either

Those are different griefs
And nobody has ever told me
Which one of the two is mine
So I carry both of them

And when the one of them gets heavy
I put it down and take the other
And that is what I do now
That is most of what I do

And my daughters are grown and gold
And they do not ask about him
And I think that is a kindness
And I think it is the worst part

Óðr is gone
That is the whole sentence
I have looked in every world
There is not one more place
I can choose the fallen
I can shake the roof beams down
And I cannot make one man
Come back up the road

I keep the door unbarred
Not because I think he will
Because barring it would mean I had decided
And I have not decided

There is a word for gold in the poets' language
The word is: what she cried

The first one came down off my face
And landed on the floor
And it rang the way that metal rings
And I looked at what I'd done

I did not ask for this to happen
Nobody warned me it would
You grieve and something falls
And it is worth a farm

And I could not stop
And I did not want to stop
Because stopping would have meant
That I had accepted it

Tears of red gold
Falling where the poets can find them
Every ring on every hand
Was somebody's bad night
They call it treasure
They do not call it what it is
There is not one piece of gold in the nine worlds
That is not somebody missing somebody

The dwarves came up and gathered them
And beat them into rings
And the rings went out to kings and thanes
And the kings went out to war

And when a skald stands up to sing
Of a hoard beneath a hill
He calls it Mardöll's weeping
And he does not know he's right

Sigurd killed a worm for a pile of it
Fáfnir lay on it and would not move
Andvari cursed a ring of it
And it killed everyone who touched it

All of that. Every bit of that
Came down off my own face
On the nights that I could not sleep
And there was nobody awake

They fight each other over it
They put it in the ground with their dead
They beat it into rings for kings
And they go to war with the rings

And not one of them, not one
Has ever once thought to ask
Where it came from

So take it. Take all of it
Melt it down and wear it
It costs me nothing to make
And it costs me everything

Tears of red gold
Falling where the poets can find them
Every crown on every head
Was somebody's bad night
Call it treasure
I will not call it that
There is not one piece of gold in the nine worlds
That is not somebody missing somebody

Somebody asked me once
If I would rather they were only water

No

At least this way
There is something left in the morning

Nine worlds
And a door in each of them
That only opens upward

It is not heavy. That surprises people
It goes over the shoulders like a breath
And the ground stops being a thing that holds you
And starts being a thing you look at

Midgard from above is very small
Jotunheim is teeth and snow
And Niflheim has no colour in it
And I have been to all of them

No treaty up here
No high table, no seat
No one asking whose I am
No one asking what I cost

Falcon cloak!
Up and out and gone
Over the roots and over the branches
Over everyone's opinion
They can have the golden hall
They can have the arguments
I have got the sky
And I do not have to explain it

Odin has his eight-legged horse
Thor has his goats and cart
Heimdall stands in the same spot
For the entire length of the world

And they built their bridge and named it
And they guard it night and day
And I go over the top of it
And nobody can follow

And then there is a knock
And it is always him

Freyja, the hammer's gone
Freyja, Idunn has been taken
Freyja, lend me the feathers
Only once, only this once

And I give it to him
Every time
He wore it to bring Idunn back
He wore it to find the hammer

He wore it as a fly the night
He took the gold from off my neck
And I have never once said no
Not once in all the years

I do not know what that says about me
I know what it says about them

So he brings it back and hangs it up
And says thank you like it's nothing
And I wait until the hall goes quiet
And I put it on again

Falcon cloak!
Up and out and gone
Let them knock, let them shout up after me
Let them stand there in the doorway
They can have the golden hall
They can have the whole of it
I have got the sky
And I am not coming down

The only thing they have never asked me for
Is where I go
When nobody has lost anything

Sit down
Not there. There
Facing away from the fire

First you stop wanting to know
That is the part they never manage
You come to me with a question
And the question is the door that stays shut

Then you let the drum do the walking
And you do not go with it
You stay exactly where you are
And you let the world come past

It is not power. Write that down
It is not power
It is attention
Turned all the way up

Seiðr - the seeing and the turning
Seiðr - the thread you take between two fingers
I did not invent it
I brought it here
And I gave it away to people
Who despise me for having it
Say it is women's work
Say it in the hall
And then come to my door at night
And ask me how it's done

Odin sat where you are sitting
And he did not speak for a long time
And he took the drum in his own hands
And he was very good at it

And they mocked him for it afterward
And they mock me for it still
And he never once stood up and said
That he had learned it here

There is a thing about seeing far
You do not choose what arrives
I have looked down the length of it
All of it, right to the end

There is a wolf
There is water on the fields
There is a hall upon a beach
Made of the nails of the dead

And there is a woman standing there
Who has been burned three times already
Watching the whole of it come in
And not moving out of the way

He has seen it too. I know he has
That is why he takes the dead
He asked me once what I had seen
And I said: nothing

So sit up now. That is enough
You will not remember most of this
And what you do remember
You will use badly

Seiðr - the seeing and the turning
Seiðr - the thread between two fingers
I did not invent it
I brought it here
And I will keep on giving it
To people who despise me
Because the thing itself is worth it
And they are not

Go on. Get up
And when it works, do not thank me
When it works, be careful

I am here first
I am always here first
He arrives when I have finished

The field goes quiet in a particular way
When the last man stops moving
And that is when the work begins
And that is when I ride

Ravens go out and ravens come back
And they tell me who is worth it
Strong arm, straight spear, unbroken shield
I am building for a morning

Half of them

Half of them

And I go first

...And she goes first

Fólkvangr! The field of the people

Valhalla! The hall of the chosen

I have as many seats as I need

I have as many soldiers as I can hold

You are picking an army

I am picking an army

I am picking people

And the field is only so big

I took a farmer's daughter once
Who never held a blade at all
She starved herself to come to me
And she is at my table now

That is not what the hall is for
That is not what any of it is for
There is a wolf and there is a morning
And I need every hand

You know what is coming

I have seen it further than you have

Then why do you take the ones who cannot fight?

Because when it comes
And it will come
And your hall empties out onto that plain
And not one of them comes back

Somebody should still be sitting somewhere
Somebody should still be at a table

That is not a strategy

No
It is the opposite of one

I take the strongest!

I take the first!

I take them for the ending!

I take them for the after!

And the field is only so big

Fólkvangr! The field of the people

Valhalla! The hall of the chosen

Sessrúmnir, room enough for all of it

Five hundred doors and forty more

You are counting on a battle

I am counting on a battle

I am counting on what's left

And the field is only so big

He rides off with his half
I stay a while longer
Somebody has to look at them properly
Before they are only numbers

Ask me what I have
Not what I was given
What I have

I came here as a line in a treaty
I stayed here as something else
Nobody wrote down when that happened
Including me

They took the necklace off my throat
They borrowed the wings off my back
They took the art out of my hands
And put their own name on it

And every single time
There was a door behind me
And every single time
I did not go through it

I am the first to choose!
Before the ravens, before the hall
I walk the field while it is quiet
And I take who I want
Not the strongest - the first
Not the useful - the first
Everything in this world was taken from me
And I am still the one who chooses

Óðr did not come back
That is not going to change
I have looked in all nine worlds
And there is not a tenth

And the gold keeps coming down my face
And they keep making rings of it
And I have stopped explaining
And I have not stopped

I know how it ends
I have known since before he learned to ask
There is a winter that will not stop
There is a wolf that will not stop

And there is a morning when his hall
Empties out onto a plain
And not a single one of them
Comes walking back again

And I will be in Fólkvangr
With the farmer's daughter, and the man
Who died of his wounds three weeks after
And all the ones nobody chose

We will be sitting at the table
And the doors will be standing open
And I will still be here
When there is nothing left to be here for

So burn me a fourth time if you like
It did not work the first three
I am the thing that grows back
And I am tired, and I grow back

I am the first to choose!
Before the ravens, before the end
I have lost every single thing
That was ever handed to me
And what is left is mine
And what is mine, I chose
Vanir - older than the hall
And I am not finished

There is a song I will sing
At the very end of it

It is quiet. It is not like this one

I have been carrying it
For a thousand years
And I have not sung it yet